I guess this is what they call a blog...blurting out difficult emotions...and still not making any sense of them

 One thing I've been forced to notice about myself recently is how I compartmentalise things. If I don't like dealing with a feeling or a subject, I'm quite good at building a wall around it, and dealing with it when I'm ready, or more often, when I'm forced to deal with it. I'm undecided if this is actually a negative trait or not. Conventional wisdom these days screams at us to let all the things hang out!!!

Often when I receive bad news, I can function quite well if I am in a setting where I feel it inappropriate to express my feelings. When my cat died my husband phoned me at work to tell me. I was fine. When I saw him after work I started crying and could hardly stop for the next week. I hate the heartless way I feel when I suppress my emotion, but I equally hate the uncontrollable feeling I have when my emotions have full rein. 
This year a friend of mine died from breast cancer. When she was first diagnosed a few years ago she wrote a book (which she sold on Amazon) about her journey of refusing the traditional chemotherapy route. She asked me to proof read her book and make suggestions to improve its readability, which I did, but we weren't particularly close. I don't make close friendships easily as I am very self-contained and I am more than happy to spend time alone. I felt saddened by her passing, but I was disturbed that I didn't feel devastated.

Over this same period, I did make a close friend, the first female friend I have had since high school! We had to be friends as she is as weird as me, and even more self sufficient than I am. We have both experienced some pretty intense life experiences since we met (at my shop!) and I suppose fate must have thrown us two weirdos together as who else would be able to understand us!

This week my friend found a lump in her breast. I immediately felt emotionless and I was disturbed by that. Blood work has been done and she is in the earliest stage of cancer. She already had cancer when she was 22 years and pregnant with her second child, and almost died. Earlier this year she had a cancerous skin lesion removed and was on a course of oral chemotherapy. The funny thing is that no matter what health issue she experiences, she seems invincible. The term warrior will not even adequately describe her. In her line of work, she needs to read people. At times I have found this exasperating, as it is exceptionally annoying to have someone see what lies behind my defenses and poker face.

As the week has worn on, my defenses have weakened. I am now feeling the pain of the passing of my other friend. My friend has poked those defenses as only she knows how. We do not speak in platitudes and false inspirational bullshit. We know the stakes and we know the odds. There is nothing I can do except be there. I am quite maternal when it comes to her, but she needs me to express it by being a crazy bitch. My friend is going through the early stages of a divorce too. Committing my heart fully to anything or anybody is extremely rare for me, but when I do I am more loyal than a dog. I will be there for whatever is needed from me. And I will experience whatever emotion I can handle at at any given moment, I suppose.

This song just popped into my mind.

Really, what am I trying to express? My pain? My lack of pain? I know now I do not lack the pain and it will be expressed. When I was young I was chased by a group of men after a party on campus. I managed to escape and hide and I was fine the rest of the weekend. But for years afterwards, the feeling of being chased festered in my dreams. I suppose this is just another journey.